Fly high and free.

Currently job hunting and it scares me that I’m still indefinite about what I want. For now, I just want to dance, keep on exploring the world, learn and live life. Impractical as it may seem.

Hopefully I get in to one of the UK universities I’ve applied for..

Do you remember those seminars and talks that your teachers force you to attend just so can have additional points, write a paper about it and (supposedly) “learn” something out of it?

That was what I expected with our Personal Mastery and Lifestyle Management Workshop. It’s a two-day affair to help us build value not only in our entrepreneurial lives but in our lives as a whole. I have become so prejudiced about these kind of academic and curricular talks that I expected myself to snooze the entire 10 hours (..yes) for Day 1. Well, I stand corrected. This has got to be one of the most personally touching talks I’ve attended to. No kidding aside.

I opted to be not the people person in the recent years and it has taken a toll on myself and the people around me. Sharing my personal sentiments to people has also been a struggle because, well I choose not to. However, today, I felt refreshed after having this little talk with 2 relatively new people I met.

Simply, it was refreshing to be with new people. Clean slate. No prejudices. Back to square one. 

Long story short, from the conversations we’ve had, I realized that people see the others as simple beings but I see myself as rather complicated. They also got startled when I said I was insecure. One of them asked me: “Insecure? About what?” And I started to ask myself the same question..

I’m too insecure about how I look, what I do, what I say, how others perceive me etc only to find out that people (not all of course) look at me as more special than what I think of myself. Turns out, I am weird. But a good kind of weird. And people like it. And i’m glad they do. They might not always explicitly tell me, but some people like me, too. And that’s nice. Because the bottom line is, that’s what I’ve always wanted. So in the end, what I just want to say is, I We should gives ourselves more credit than what we currently give ourselves. We might see ourselves as garbage but others think of us as prized gems. In the end, the only thing that hindering us to become our best is our insecurities—it’s all in our head.

Why am I so undecided about my future? Too much things I want to do, so little time, too few resources. :/ Which is which. Pursue my dream or go for the most practical?

This is the first time that I’ve ever been this scared and jittery to know my grade.

It’s my final year in college. Final year: not allowed to fuck up.

In all honesty, I can handle exams without totally (or a little bit of) studying for it. Call it lucky, stock knowledge or I don’t know. It still worked well for me.

BUT THIS YEAAARRR ASDFGHJKL

I got so distracted and overwhelmed with a lot of things and responsibilities and lost my head in the game. I was too excited and worked up for a concert that I ended up giving more time to it than studying.

I am to blame for it, of course. The exam (and concert!) day, I haven’t had the time to really study..not even the days before! IDK why..a lot of things to do or I was too exhausted to work or I was fucked up lazy. 

Now I am so goddamn scared of failing that freaking subject. To make things worse, I had a 93.7% class standing prior to the exam. I only had to get 43points to pass that final exam AND IF I FAILED, I AM THE MOST BULLSHIT PERSON EVER! 43 over 140 items,  if I don’t get even that minimal grade, I AM GOING TO FAIL THE SUBJECT!! :((((((

April 6 and only 2 professors have released their grades, but no fucking econ grade yet! Then I see in the SSIS part that Econ is listed in my current subjects alongside with the other subject that I have to take this summer and I’m really really really scared because I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to take that subject again. I JUST DON’T.

Even though it doesn’t help, I still hate myself for not putting enough effort when I know I should’ve. I regret neglecting my studies. But it’s too late..

Right now, I just wish I pass that subject so I don’t have to repeat it or worse, stay for another year in the university. Not hoping for a cum laude anymore..I totally blew it. :( :(

Most depressing academic experience ever. :(

Still praying that I’m overthinking….

Still can’t get over! The nicest stranger I’ve ever met and I only knew the “nasl” :(

Please have a great day. ^5 :]